she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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