I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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