upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*