Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(518): View more from New York

Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.

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(513): View more from Ohio

u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny

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(678): View more from Georgia

I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.

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(408): View more from California

I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.

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25 People Admit the Worst Things They’ve Done for Good Reasons
Read it at the TFLN blog
(301): View more from Maryland

she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break

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(760): View more from California

My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?

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(785): View more from Kansas

sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.

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(690): View more from

Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.

(1-690): View more from

Drunk, high, hungover?

(690): View more from

...I wish I had an excuse.

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