happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
You are a genius and a whore.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
