upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
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I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
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Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
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