Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
