You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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