Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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