when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
People with herpes should wear stickers.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
