How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
