The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
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