Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
