Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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