Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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