Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
