Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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