I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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