I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
