I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
