The maid of honor just puked.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
