we have officially lost it.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
