first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
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