The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
