Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
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