Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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