You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
