final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
