If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
