The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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