All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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