I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
