We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Randomize
