just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
