the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Sober January is a disaster.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
