my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
