I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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