my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Randomize
