LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
