I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
