Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
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