Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
