I just saw a hot homeless man
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
