I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
