I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
