im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
