Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
