I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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