i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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