I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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