"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
