I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
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