i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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