Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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