2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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