A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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