Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
