I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
i wish my penis had a tongue
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
