I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
