It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
